


Defective

by hermess



Category: Pocket Monsters | Pokemon - All Media Types, Pocket Monsters: Sword & Shield | Pokemon Sword & Shield Versions
Genre: Alcohol, Coming Out, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, Light Angst, M/M, References to Depression
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-11
Updated: 2020-01-07
Packaged: 2021-02-26 01:35:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 6,678
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21755392
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hermess/pseuds/hermess
Summary: Raihan has certain feelings when it comes to Leon. He tells himself he doesn't until he can't deny it anymore.
Relationships: Dande | Leon/Kibana | Raihan, Raihan/Leon
Comments: 71
Kudos: 476





	1. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is just a little idea I had after playing Sword. It's loosely based on the song Sorry by Nothing But Thieves. I apologise for any mistakes as it's not beta read!

There's something about him. When they battle, it's electrifying. It's more than anything Raihan's ever felt. It rushes through him like lightning and forces him to give his all. He's magnetic. Pushing and pulling against Raihan, he draws all eyes to him and gives everyone one hell of a battle. Every battle fills him with adrenaline and something else he can't quite name. He's battled so many others, but nothing compares to these.

When the sandstorm clears and his last Pokemon falls, Leon stands victorious yet again. Yet, Raihan's not mad. He's disappointed of course, but never mad. He doesn't think he's capable of being angry with Leon for beating him.

The battle has left him breathless. At least, that's what he convinces himself. Part of him knows the real reasons these battles get him so riled up. The other part won't ever acknowledge it, can't acknowledge it. There's far too much at stake if he does.

As they make their way across the pitch to meet each other, he feels his chest get tighter. When they shake hands he tells himself the breath hitched in his throat is just lingering effects from the storm earlier. He thanks Arceus that Leon doesn't notice anything.

•

They're having lunch together at some cafe Leon was interested in. It was a spur of the moment invitation, and Raihan had accepted immediately. He didn't tell Leon he had been busy when he got the text.

Leon is talking about his brother, his plans for the week, how busy he's been lately. He talks about anything that seems to cross his mind. Raihan doesn't say much. He just listens. He listens to his voice and watches his hands move animatedly as he talks. He finds himself smiling.

Then, Leon mentions something Raihan wishes he didn't. He starts talking about a girl he had gone on a date with. He says she's attractive. He says she's kind. He says she's a good battler. 

The smile on his face falls. He tells himself the horrible feeling in his stomach is from the food. Leon doesn't notice the change. Raihan doesn't know if he wants him to not notice.

•

They're training together. To an outsider, it looks like they're trying to hold a conversation over the sounds of the battle. Anyone who knows them would know better. They're trying to distract the other. It started off as a joke when they were training a few years ago, but somehow it stuck. 

Raihan feels like he might win. Leon's definitely sweating more than normal. Leon talks about how he got lost on his way to a meeting the other day. He's grinning as he throws a fake insult in response. Leon's smiling back at him. He feels his heart lift a little. It's just the thought of winning that makes it, he thinks.

Leon says things didn't work out with that girl. Raihan's brain stops working for a second. He loses focus and Leon gets the upper hand in that split second. The next thing he knows, he's lost again. He's confused. He's nervous. He's relieved. He wants to run. He doesn't know why.

His palms are clammier than usual when they grip Leon's. Leon mentions that it's gross. Raihan doesn't look into his eyes. Neither bring up his mistake in the end of the battle.

•

It's a Friday night in the middle of summer. The club is private so there aren't many people and the air conditioning is cranked all the way up. Raihan is dancing and he feels free. He thinks it's the alcohol running through him. He feels loose and he thinks he's happy.

Leon is with him. He's sitting at a booth laughing with Nessa. They lock eyes from across the room and the smile on his face must seem like an invitation because Leon excuses himself. He joins Raihan on the dancefloor and he tries to dance too.

It's bad. Raihan laughs at his attempt to seem fluid like him. Leon's face turns red but he's still smiling. He takes his hand and begins to guide him. It takes a while but then he's there. They dance together with Raihan leading. Leon is still clumsy. Raihan is still laughing, but they're laughing together. He feels warm. He thinks he's happy.

The alcohol lets a part of him surface. What he normally hides comes out. He doesn't notice. He's distracted by Leon's feet stepping on his, by the hand in his, by Leon's smile.

The alcohol gives him a false bravery. His body moves faster than his brain.

His mouth meets Leon's.

He's kissing him.

Raihan is kissing Leon.

His brain suddenly catches up and he's jumping back. They're not laughing anymore. Nessa is staring with her mouth wide open from across the room. Leon's expression is unreadable. Raihan feels heat rising into his face and he panics.

He stutters out an apology and runs. He doesn't stop until he gets home and when he does he shuts his eyes and hopes he never has to open them again.

•

Raihan hasn't responded to any texts in a week. He's avoided everyone for just as long, somehow convinced the gym he got sick. He knows he can't hide in his apartment forever. He hopes he can for as long as he's able.

His phone buzzes. He reads the notification. It's another message from Nessa. His phone buzzes again. This time it's Leon. He feels his stomach drop.

Please.

That's all the message says. He knows Leon wants to talk. He wants to understand what happened. Raihan wants to crawl into his bed and sink into it.

•

It's been almost two weeks since his mistake. He had to stop avoiding his responsibilities at the gym, but he's still avoiding Leon and Nessa. They haven't told anybody about what happened. It's the one thing he's thankful for.

His phone has more unread messages than he's ever had. Nessa tried to talk to him at the gym. She had him cornered in the bathroom and refused to leave until he talked. Raihan had sat on the floor silent. It was two hours until she left.

He's home now and he can see his phone screen lighting up as he receives another message. All he does is turn it upside down. He doesn't want to talk about what happened. He doesn't think he can. He can barely confront himself. He's known he wasn't like other guys since he was a kid. He had a crush on another boy in his class. He told a friend about it. His friend told everyone. Then, he didn't have any more friends. Nobody wanted to talk to him. He was strange. He was different. He was defective.

Since then, he forced those feelings down as far as they would go and refused to acknowledge them. As far as he knew, he had ruined his friendship with Leon. He didn't want to face that. He couldn't do it.

There's a timid knock on his door. Raihan freezes. He's not expecting anyone.

There's another knock, stronger this time. Raihan doesn't move.

There's a third knock. This one is forceful. Raihan finally gets up.

He opens the door and Leon is standing on the other side, hand raised in mid-knock. He looks shocked as if he didn't expect the door to really open. Raihan feels his heart rate pick up. He shouldn't have opened the door. He's just about to close it again when Leon puts his foot in the frame. Raihan looks down, avoiding Leon's eyes. He's stuck. He's scared. 

"Raihan…" Leon's voice is soft, as if Raihan is a terrified pokemon he's trying to calm. 

"Please let me in. I need to talk to you."

Raihan wants to say no. He desperately wishes he could, but Leon sounds so sincere. He sounds so tired. So, Raihan steps aside and Leon steps in. 

Leon sits on the far side of the couch. Raihan sits in a chair on the opposite side of the room. He looks at his coffee table. He looks at the pictures on his walls. He looks anywhere but at Leon. For a moment, neither of them speak. They hardly breathe. Raihan can feel the tension in the air and he wants nothing more than to hide. He can feel Leon's eyes on him. Watching. Waiting. Leon sighs. It's soft and barely audible. Raihan waits for the storm to hit, but it never comes. Instead, it's something much more unexpected.

"I love you."

He stops breathing. His eyes flick up to look into Leon's. He tells himself he must've heard wrong. He has to be mistaken. Leon's eyes are warm. His face is open. 

"What?" It comes out a little breathless, like he just got done running a marathon. His mind repeats one thought: What the hell.

"I love you, Raihan." He's looking right at him. Their eyes are locked. "After our gym challenge, I knew I had these feelings for you, but I thought you didn't. You never really liked to talk about your emotions and I thought you just saw us as friends. But the other night, when you kissed me..."

Raihan doesn't respond. He knows if he does his voice will give away everything. His eyes didn't seem to get the memo, though. He feels tears prick at his eyes and soon enough he's crying. 

It's loud and it's ugly and it's like a weight is lifting. Leon comes over and wraps his arms around him. His hands rub circles on his back. Raihan returns the embrace. His hands are bundled in Leon's sweatshirt, his grip tight. He doesn't want to let go. In his ear, Leon whispers words of comfort.

It's okay, I've got you, just let go… 

Raihan cries, and cries, and eventually falls asleep in Leon's arms.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading!! Let me know what you think especially since this is my first fic in this fandom!


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is in Leon's perspective and the style may seem a bit different but I can assure you it's purposeful. Also looks like this is going to be more chapters than I thought...

Leon was a lot smarter than people gave him credit for. His lack of direction made people think he was just an airhead, incapable of understanding even the most basic of concepts. It was something that annoyed him because it couldn't be more off. He noticed almost everything that happened around him. He knew when Hop had grown even just the tiniest bit, knew when Sonia had made a break-through even before she did, and he knew when something was off with Raihan.

They'd been friends since Leon had first started on his journey as a trainer, if he didn't notice what was wrong with his friend he'd be disappointed in himself. Sometimes it felt like he understood Raihan more than he understood himself.

Raihan didn't like to burden others, so he cracked jokes and smiled constantly. Raihan was carefully impulsive, his actions framed in a staccato rhythm. He avoided things far too often for it to be healthy and his heart was bigger than anyone else's Leon knew. It was this that made him fall in love with him. 

Leon had known for years how he felt about him, but he also knew Raihan. Anything to do with emotions, family, or relationships was off limits in conversation. It was something he learned early on in their friendship. During their gym challenge while staying at a hotel, Leon had tried to ask about Raihan's parents. It was one of the worst moments in their relationship. Raihan had shut down immediately and refused to talk about it. For the next week, Raihan remained guarded and off-kilter. He barely spoke or even smiled, and in the next week he was back to being his normal self.

Leon never wanted to repeat that ever again. It had terrified him how much Raihan hid behind a mask, but he didn't know how to help him. He wanted Raihan to be happy, so he kept his true feelings far away from him.

Leon tried to see other people several times. He'd meet someone he thought he could be with, go on a few dates, and the entire relationship would be over in about a month. Each time he got with another person he felt guilt squeeze his heart and he'd end things. No matter how hard he tried, he couldn't stop loving Raihan. Raihan who was so determined to seem happy.

The public would never be able to see the difference, but Leon always could. He had noticed within the past few months that Raihan had become more and more distant. Whatever he was hiding seemed to be bearing down on him like he had a Wailord on his shoulders. He smiled for the cameras and fans, but the second he was behind closed doors it became obvious how not okay he was. 

More than once Leon had walked in on him sitting on the floor, tears in his eyes and this heartbreaking look on his face. Leon tried to talk about it, Arceus did he try, but Raihan was firm on what was off limits. No emotions, no family, no relationships. So Leon helped him silently. He invited him to lunches, dinners, movies, anything to get him out of his apartment. They trained together and Leon would keep a careful eye out for any mood changes. He knew in some ways it helped him, but each time something would happen and Raihan would get that look in his eyes. The one look Leon could never decipher. 

He could never figure out what would set him off, but he figured out the symptoms he tried to hide. His face would turn slightly red, his palms grew sweaty, and his chest would stutter like he couldn't get enough air. He noticed it all and he couldn't do a damn thing to fix it.

In the summer, he invited Raihan to come with him and Nessa to a club that opened up in Wyndon. It was private and nobody would be clamoring over them. Nessa thought it would be a perfect opportunity to get Raihan to loosen up and Leon had agreed. 

It seemed their plan had worked, too. Raihan was delightfully buzzed and he looked so happy it made Leon want to cry. He had been dancing, a smile on his face and a bright spark in his eyes. Raihan looked at him and Leon found himself drawn to him. He excused himself from his conversation with Nessa and left for the dancefloor. Nessa smirked at him knowingly as he headed over.

Then he was dancing. He'd never been very good, his mom once said he had his grandfather's feet. He could see it. Raihan laughed at him, a real, genuine laugh. Leon was ecstatic, so he let Raihan take his hands and try to guide him into a movement that looked less robotic. It wasn't perfect but it was better. They were dancing. Raihan was smiling so wide and he could see the joy written all over his face. Leon's heart lurched at the sight. He never saw what came next.

Raihan's lips met his. They were soft and the kiss was gentle.

Leon's brain short circuited. This was a scenario he'd imagined for years. It was almost just like how he'd thought it would be, but the moment was short lived.

As soon as Raihan realized what he was doing, he pulled away sharply. His hands dropped his and time felt like it had come to a stop. Raihan's eyes met his. The joy that was there just a few seconds prior had been replaced with pure terror. Leon didn't know what he felt.

"I'm so sorry," he heard and then Raihan was gone.

•

Leon was sitting in Raihan's kitchen. He didn't know what he was expecting when he showed up here last night. He knows how Raihan handles emotions, but this was different. He needed to know what Raihan really felt, but things are never that simple in his life. 

He expected Raihan to clam up or pass it off as having too much to drink or anything else but what happened. He didn't expect Raihan's dam to break. He'd cried for so long and the emotional strain tired him out. He'd fallen asleep and Leon brought him to his bed. Then he sat where he's been for the whole night. 

He couldn't sleep. He didn't know how Raihan would react if he woke up before Leon did and saw him passed out on his couch. Yet, he couldn't bring himself to leave. Raihan would always be, first and foremost, one of his best friends. He didn't exactly know what Raihan was fighting, but he'd be damned if he left him alone to deal with it, especially after last night. So he would stay and wait and be ready for whatever was needed from him.

•

At 10am, Leon figured he had to do something. He looked through Raihan's fridge and cabinets hoped he wouldn't mind what he was going to do. He gathered what he was looking for and set to work.

•

At 11am, he heard Raihan come into the kitchen just as he was finishing up. He had made pancakes with chocolate chips and eggs. Raihan had a sweet tooth and he was hoping it would bring him some comfort when he woke up. 

Leon turned and when he saw Raihan he could almost feel his heart break. Raihan was in a sweatshirt far too big even for someone of his size, a blanket draped over his shoulders, his normal shorts, and two socks that weren't even close to matching. He had bags under his already bloodshot eyes and his face looked gaunt. His signature headband was in its usual place, albeit a bit crooked. 

He knew this wasn't all a new development. Raihan had looked bad last night too, but Leon had been focusing on other things. He feels bad for not taking time last night to address it.

Raihan's eyes flit to and fro, from the food on the counter to Leon's own tired face. His eyebrows furrow slightly and he tugs the blanket further over himself. Leon pauses his movements and waits for Raihan to make the first move. He needs that sense of control in his own space at a time like this.

"You're still here," he says. His voice is scratchy, confused, and slow. It's all incredibly out of character and Leon finds his heart breaking a bit more.

"Yeah, of course. I couldn't leave you alone like that." It's a simple reply. It shows he cares, but it's nothing too drastic that may send Raihan into another spiral. Leon knows he's walking a fine line right now between getting Raihan to open up and still feel comfortable. Nothing in the room changes and Raihan remains where he is. So he says more.

"I made breakfast. Pancakes and eggs. You can take a seat and I'll get everything ready."

Raihan doesn't move for a few seconds and Leon begins to worry, but then he's moving. It looks like he's on autopilot. Leon doesn't say anything about it, he just puts together two plates of food, one with significantly more pancakes than the other.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! Please let me know what you think in the comments so I can thrive!!


	3. Chapter 3

He's in his room. He doesn't remember how he got there. He's on top of the covers. He's still in his gym uniform. He's confused. For a blissful second, he's forgotten about last night. Then it's all rushing back far too soon.

Leon had come over. Leon said he loved him. Raihan had cried. A lot. He should be happy. He should be telling Leon he feels the same. He should know how to love. He shouldn't be this broken.

He thinks he smells food cooking from downstairs. He realizes he didn't eat dinner last night. He's hungry. He might be dreaming. He changes quick and grabs a thick blanket. He wants to be warm. 

He's standing in the kitchen doorway. Leon is standing at his stove. Leon's still here. He's in his home. He's cooking breakfast. Raihan thinks he has to be dreaming. 

Leon looks at him and his mouth turns down in a slight frown. Raihan realizes he must look like shit. He feels like shit. He pulls the blanket closer. He wants Leon to stop staring. He wants Leon to never look away.

He swallows. His mouth is dry. He tells himself it's because he's hasn't had anything to drink.

"You're still here." He speaks slowly. His voice is rough. It's not a question. He doesn't know if it should have been. His chest tightens. He's breathing weird.

Leon's looking at him expectantly. He must've said something. Raihan didn't hear. He tells himself he's just tired.

"I made breakfast," Leon says. Raihan thinks that much is obvious. "Pancakes and eggs. You can take a seat and I'll get everything ready."

Raihan hesitates. Pancakes. Sweet things. Leon made his comfort food. His heart aches. He doesn't know why. He knows exactly why.

He moves to the table and sits down, but his mind wanders. He wants to tell Leon everything. He doesn't want to say anything. He wants to fall apart. He wants someone to hold him together.

He's conflicted. He's terrified. He tells himself everything is fine. He knows nothing is.

A plate is set in front of him and draws him out of his mind. It's stacked high with pancakes. They have chocolate chips. The eggs are fried. His stomach growls. He thinks he smiles.

•

They don't speak while they eat. Raihan's been carefully avoiding Leon's eyes the whole time. Raihan finished his whole plate. Leon's only halfway done. He's staring at his plate. It must look weird. His fingers twitch.

He makes to grab his phone from where it rests on the table. He needs a distraction. A hand touches his wrist just as he reaches it. He stops moving. His heart beats faster. 

"Don't shut me out this time."

Leon's withdrawing his hand. Raihan doesn't take his phone. He looks up. Leon looks sad. His eyes are filled with an emotion Raihan doesn't recognize. It makes him want to run. It makes him want to stay.

A moment passes in silence. Raihan finds it in himself to say something.

"I don't know what to do. I'm scared, Lee."

His voice cracks and his eyes fill with tears. For what may be the first time, Raihan allows himself to give in to his emotions. He lets himself be honest. It's raw, it's ugly, but it's him. He expects Leon to leave. It's what everyone else has done. But he doesn't. He surprises him again. He takes Raihan in his arms. He holds him together. He stays.

•

Raihan doesn't tell Leon everything that day. He tells Leon he needs time. Leon tells him he'll gladly wait. Leon tells him he'll always be there. Raihan thinks he believes him.

•

It's been two weeks since Raihan had last seen Leon. He's trying to figure things out. He's been unburying pieces of himself that were long forgotten. He's exhausted. He feels split. 

He doesn't know who he is anymore. He knows exactly who he is now. He's Raihan. He's a gym leader. He's a good trainer. He's --

He doesn't know what he wants anymore. He knows exactly what he wants now. He wants to be happy. He wants to be strong. He wants to --

He's terrified of it all.

•  
It's been three weeks since Raihan has seen Leon. He's figured some things out. He knows he was never really a kid. That was taken from him. He's angry with himself. He's angry with the world. He's angry with people.

He knows he tries to escape. He uses battles. He uses his phone. He tried to escape forever once. He thinks he wants to be here now.

He wants to be --

•

It's been a month. He doesn't know what time it is. It's late. It's very late. Raihan is staring at the ceiling. He's realized a truth. He's figured everything out.

He knows what he needs to do.

His feet swing off the bed. He dresses quick. He's out the door before he can change his mind.

•

He's in love with Leon.

He wants to kiss Leon.

He wants to be with Leon.

•

He's in Wyndon. He's walking down the streets. Nobody else is out. He thinks he's grateful. He sees a familiar club in the distance. His stomach flutters. He tells himself he's nervous. He's outside of a townhome. He knows it like it's his own.

He knocks once. Part of him hopes nobody comes.

He knocks again. Another part hopes he's answered.

He knocks a third time. One part of him is stronger than before.

The door swings open.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think this will start to wind down now but idk. Thanks for reading! Please comment and let me know what you think!!


	4. Chapter 4

"So, what, you invite me to lunch just to stare at your phone the whole time? You could've just said you hate me."

Leon startles. If he's being honest with himself, he completely forgot Nessa was sitting across from him. He'd had some errands to run in Hulberry and decided to catch up with her over lunch, and he'd hoped he could distract himself from the dark cloud hanging over him for the past week. He doesn't think that's working out too well.

It's been one week since he last saw Raihan and one week since they last spoke. Normally they text almost everyday, but he hasn't gotten anything. He was worried, especially with how things were left. Raihan's entire world had been turned upside down. He'd wanted some time to put the pieces back together, and Leon couldn't help. He felt utterly useless and he hated it.

"I'm sorry, I've just been really distracted lately." It's a poor excuse. He already knows Nessa is going to rip into him. She always seems to know more than she should. She cocks her head slightly and her mouth turns down in a frown.

"It's Raihan isn't it."

It's not surprising she's already figured it out. She's known Raihan longer than he has and knows how he is. She knows how Leon is too. Even if he tried to pretend everything was fine, she'd know something was off somehow. It doesn't stop the heat rising into his face, though.

Leon doesn't respond. He doesn't need to. His face gives Nessa all the confirmation that she needs.

"I'm guessing you confronted him like you said you would," she starts with a sigh, "and things didn't go too smoothly?"

He nods slowly. 

"Do you want to talk about it?"

"No, not now," he says. 

"Alright, but at least stop moping and have a normal conversation with me. This sandwich sure isn't going to start talking to me."

Leon smiles and allows her to pull him out of his thoughts, even if it's just for a moment.

•

Leon has never been good at standing by. He's been the champion for years and it's demanding. He needs to be a shoulder to lean on, a leader in times of crisis, and the face people can turn to and trust. He's used to being in action, helping others, and not being this damn useless.

It's been two weeks since he spoke with Raihan. He had seen him briefly coming out of a meeting with the other gym leaders. He hadn't noticed Leon, but it also looked like he really didn't notice anything. He looked tired and small. He had been hunched in on himself and almost drowning in his sweatshirt. He was so unlike himself and Leon had wanted to scream in frustration.

He wanted to help more than anything, but he couldn't. Raihan had said he needed time and space. So Leon would give him all that he needed if it meant there was any possibility of him smiling again. 

He just wished he could be there to help.

•

It's close to 1am and Leon can't sleep. For the first time in three weeks, Raihan texted him. But Leon wasn't sure if it made things better or worse. It had just been a short question.

Are you there?

And Leon had responded almost immediately.

Always.

Raihan hadn't sent another message and Leon was left to wonder what he wanted when he sent it. 

•

It's 4am and Leon is watching absolutely terrible movies. They're cheesy and stupid and yet he's been watching them for hours and loves it. He thinks he's finally starting to lose it. Maybe the stress of being the champion is finally starting to get to him. Maybe Nessa has finally driven him over the edge. He feels like he could probably pin the blame on her since she was the one who gave him the movies. She'd thought he was "too sad to stand" and bad movies were apparently the way to fix that.

The worst part is he thinks she might be right. He hasn't looked at his phone once the whole night hoping for a text that won't come. Raihan's been silent for a month and Leon is starting to think he might be silent forever. He'd be lying if he said it didn't feel like shit.

The current movie is rolling the credits. Leon makes to change it to the next one when he hears a knock on his door. He pauses for a second and decides it's probably nothing. 

Then there's another knock, more insistent this time. He pauses again. He really doesn't want to leave his bed, but something tells him he should answer the door. 

Another knock comes and it's loud and urgent. Leon can't shake the feeling that he needs to get to the door. He groans and makes his way over.

He opens the door and Raihan's eyes are staring him down. Neither of them move. He's not even sure they're breathing. They both just stand and stare and wait. Then, Raihan talks. It's sudden and rushed, like he needs to speak now or he never will.

"I'm gay. I think I've always been. I didn't want to be, though. I hated it. I thought - I thought other people would too. Some did. And I think I've always felt - I've always liked you. But I couldn't then. But I want to. I want to now. I - I want to be myself. I think I know that."

His voice is shaky and almost a whisper. Raihan's trembling and Leon can feel his heart beating in his throat.

He tries to respond. He wants to reassure him that he accepts it all, but Raihan isn't done yet. His eyes are shut but his heart is open. 

"I love you. I have for a long time. I think I'm - I'm ready to accept that."

He waits. Raihan is shaking, his eyes are closed and he's facing his feet. He looks terrified and Leon wants to finally help him. Raihan doesn't say more, so Leon takes it as permission to respond.

"Can I touch you?" He asks slowly, his voice soft

Raihan looks up slowly. He nods, a short, quick movement. He's tense. Leon reaches forward steadily and rests his hand on Raihan's cheek. His thumb traces his cheekbone and Leon moves closer. Raihan leans into his touch, his breath stuttering as his eyes close once more.

"I love you, too. So fucking much."

Raihan screws his eyes shut further, but tears still find their way out. Leon closes the gap between them and pulls Raihan towards him. His hand moves to cradle his head and the other holds him in an embrace. Raihan returns it, his grip tight. They're both crying now. Leon tightens his grip, as if to promise that he won't ever let go.

They stay on his doorstep, neither speaking. They just hold each other in the moonlight, finally where they belong. It's all a little cheesy, but Leon can't help but love it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow this took a lot longer than I thought. Finals have ruined me but we're all good now. Thank you all so much for reading and please let me know what you think in the comments!


	5. Chapter 5

It's been two months since that night. They're dating, but Raihan doesn't know if that's entirely right. They go on dates. That's about it. He's too afraid to do anything else. He's wanted this for so long and now he has it, and he doesn't do shit. He thinks Leon's going to see he isn't worth it eventually.

They'd been walking around Wyndon after dinner one night. Things were going good. They were laughing and talking like a couple should. Then Leon had reached for his hand. And Raihan pulled away. They were in public. People could see them. Raihan could only think of what they might think. If he would be judged again. He'd seen something like hurt in Leon's eyes. It only lasted a second, but it was there and Raihan was the cause. 

Their night together ended soon after. They didn't talk about what happened. Things had been going so good. Raihan messed it all up.

He wants to be better. He's not sure if he can be.

•

It's been five months. He knows others do more when they've been together this long. He doesn't know why Leon stays. He's thanks Arceus he does. He's trying to be better. He thinks he is.

He holds his hand now. Not in public. Not yet. He can't do that now. He wants to. He's tried but those thoughts overwhelm him and he freezes. He thinks he's pathetic. Leon must think the same.

They're watching a movie at his place. Raihan looks over at him. Leon's expression doesn't reveal anything. He wishes he could tell what he was thinking. He reaches over and laces their hands together. The action doesn't feel as bad now. Leon looks over at him and he smiles.

He hopes it stays. He can be better. He can make Leon happy.

•

It's been seven months. It's New Year's Eve. They're at a small party Nessa is hosting. It's only close friends, and all of them already know that they're together now. They don't have to hide here. Raihan doesn't know if he's relieved or not.

He's on the balcony with Leon. Leon had said he'd needed some air. Raihan had let him lead him away from the group inside. He'd been getting tired of dodging questions about their relationship. Maybe Leon had seen. He must have.

He feels a hand slide into his. He finds himself smile at the now familiar feeling. He looks up at Leon. He's smiling too. His heart feels light. Inside, he hears the others start to countdown.

"Maybe we should go back," he says. 

"They don't need us," Leon says back. He feels him tugging him closer. Leon's hand is still in his. He feels his other rest on his back. His heart is beating fast now. He doesn't know why. It scares him.

The countdown inside stops and he hears cheers. Fireworks explode in the air above them. Leon's leaning in. Raihan feels his breath pick up. It's heavy and it hurts.

He turns his head away just as Leon's lips begin to reach his. He can't do it. Not yet.

"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I - please not now," he stutters out. He doesn't sound like him. He's terrified of what Leon thinks.

Leon pulls him forward into a gentle hug. He rests his head next to his. His hands move to fully embrace him. Raihan thinks he's shaking. It's just the cold he tells himself.

"It's okay. We don't have to do anything you don't want. This is good too."

Leon's voice is soft. It's calming. Raihan exhales a breath he didn't know he was holding. He lays his head on Leon's shoulder. He closes his eyes.

He'll be better.

•

It's been eight months. Raihan isn't okay. He called in to the gym today. He hasn't left his bed. He hasn't eaten anything. He knows this day is always bad. He should've been prepared. He never is.

He hears his door open. He should be worried. He doesn't react, though. Someone calls his name and the door shuts. He hears footsteps coming up the stairs. It's Leon. Raihan hadn't responded to any of his texts all day. He should care. 

The footsteps are in his room now. Raihan doesn't move. He hears Leon walk around his bed and squat next to him. Raihan thinks this is it. He's finally had enough. Leon's going to be angry. Instead, he feels a hand run over his hair. It rests there and cradles his head. He opens his eyes finally. Leon looks sad.

"Hey. Bad day?" Raihan doesn't do anything. He feels tired.

"It's okay. I understand. I'll make you some tea, yeah?" Leon's hand leaves. He closes his eyes. He thinks he misses the touch. He feels a kiss on his forehead. Then Leon is leaving and heading for the kitchen.

He's taking care of him. Raihan hasn't done anything to deserve it. He's a terrible boyfriend. Raihan screws his eyes shut further.

He can be better. He has to.

•

It's been ten months. They're at Leon's place. They're arguing. They're yelling. They shouldn't be. It was just one stupid thing and Raihan started it. He doesn't know why. He thinks he does. It escalated fast. He knows things will go too far. It's all his fault. Leon's finally angry at him. 

Leon's yelling so loud. His face is red. His hands are clenched. This is what Raihan's been waiting for. He knew he'd cause something like this. He's not meant to be with someone. He's a coward. He doesn't deserve someone like Leon.

Leon says something about him. It should hurt. It doesn't. Raihan thinks he's right to say it. The tension feels different now. A line was crossed. They're both quiet now. Raihan can only hear the sound of their breathing. He knows what's going to come. He decides to end it himself.

"Then why don't you just leave already? You know you deserve someone better who can actually fucking love you."

He hears a sharp intake come from Leon. He glances up at him. He looks shocked. A little bit confused. Raihan doesn't understand it. He said what they both know is true.

"What?" Leon says. It's short, like he's out of breath. "Raihan, is that what this is about? Do you think you're not good enough for me?"

Raihan doesn't respond. He doesn't understand. Leon should feel that. He should get it. Leon moves to him. Raihan shrinks in on himself. He wants Leon to just leave him already. He wants Leon to stay forever.

Leon raises his hands. They're shaking. Raihan thinks it's just adrenaline from their argument. He ducks his head slightly. He looks away from his eyes. Leon's hands rest on either side of his neck. His thumbs move along his jaw. 

"I told you already, I love you, you idiot. That means all of you. You're already perfect. You don't have to change for me."

Raihan's not crying, he tells himself. He grabs Leon's wrists and tugs. Leon doesn't budge. Their foreheads touch and Raihan lets himself breathe slowly.

He doesn't need to be better. He's already better. He thinks he'll be okay.

•

It's been two years. Raihan feels lighter than he ever has. He feels calm. He thinks he's fully at peace with who he is now. 

He and Leon are dating. They hold hands anywhere they can. Raihan sneaks kisses in as much as possible. They spend most nights at Raihan's place. Some of Leon's things have taken up residence permanently. They stay in the same bed and Raihan holds him close at night. He allows Leon to love him and he loves him in turn.

Leon had been making breakfast. It's long forgotten. They're dancing in Raihan's kitchen. Not real dancing. It's more like gentle swaying. Leon has his feet on top of Raihan's. He says he doesn't want to mess up. So Raihan guides him. Their arms are wrapped around each other. Their heads resting on each other's shoulders. Raihan occasionally tickles Leon's side. Leon pinches his arms in defense.

They're laughing, but they're laughing together. Raihan can't seem to stop smiling. His mouth meets Leon's. This time, he doesn't pull away. He doesn't know if he wants to. He thinks this moment is perfect. He thinks he doesn't want it to end. He feels warm.

He knows he's happy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's finally finished! I hope you all enjoyed the ending. I'm definitely happy to have successfully finished my first multi-chapter fic! Anyways, thank you all so much for reading and please comment and let me know what you thought!!


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